I am the last person in the world who would surrender.
Seriously, I am. I crave control. I do. I’m an anxious christian with the tendency to go into futuristic thought months before this thing that I am worrying about happens. I was up last night thinking about school, which starts in two months-long time away-and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Eventually, I did, but it took a lot of waiting and distracting myself in order to get there.
So, when I found out about Faith Gateway’s study with the book Anything by Jennie Allen, my mind kind of ran away. It tried so desperately to steer me away from it. But I kept going back, and finally, even before the study lapsed into the actual act of praying the prayer, I already prayed it. “God, I will do anything. Whatever you want, I’m in. Say it, and I’ll do it.”
If you’ve prayed this before, or if you’ve just heard about it, then you know what has occurred within the past two weeks. Utter Chaos. And it was not outside of my mind, which is even worse, because now I have nothing to even show for it other than my mind going crazy. Old things that I thought I’d dealt with came back again, and I came to realize that I had actually been running away from a lot of stuff, leaving it behind and thinking that if I could run fast enough maybe it wouldn’t catch up. I’m actually quite glad it did. I’ve gotten so much more closer with God over these past two weeks than I have in a long time.
Although I’m not done unearthing things, I am beginning to see a pattern that is evolving. I’m going bare. I’m not in hiding anymore, not even unconscious hiding. It’s great. Now I can really bare a lot more of my soul when I speak with God, and I’ve begun to have more confidence in Him. Before, I was worried in the back of my mind that if I bore these things that He might not be there for me or stay with me, but now, even when those things begin to arise, I kind of just look up to the Lord and know that everything’s ok because He isn’t going anywhere.
I’m in the process of surrender. Even if there are still problems, I’ve come to realize that God is my rock, not that I didn’t know that before, but now I really feel it, you know what I mean? The unknown is a big thing for me. I’m an anxious person who almost always expects the worst. But this is beginning to change that.
I’m beginning to feel a bit less anxious because of the fact that I know God more, I can recognize Him and feel Him moving, and I can rest in the simple truths that He’s given me. His word is becoming more and more true to me than it was before. So, that’s an overview of what surrender has looked like for me. I believe that in order to be strong, we have to trust in the Lord and not put anything else above or before Him, and in order to do that I think the first step is surrender. It doesn’t happen overnight. It is a long and tedious process unearthing things that take the place of God in our lives or things that hold us back from God or even things that we didn’t know we were not giving Him. For me, I was not aware of the fact that I didn’t let Him into a certain part of my life, and once I lifted that up to Him things started to change for me.
What is it for you? What is your surrender story? How does surrender shape your everyday life nowadays and how is it different than before you surrendered?