Recently, I’ve been in a bit of a rut. School is over now. *Exams* were long, but easy. And to top it all off, I’ve even got summer work to be doing, only one part of which is to watch and take notes on 3 hours worth of videos. Now that’s what I call fun!
So, I am a bit overwhelmed, and I am most definitely tired. I only got five hours of sleep last night, so I was kind of exhausted today. And I’ve been struggling with my mind, with getting a hold on crazy thinking patterns, and basically thinking like a normal human being. Trying to hold it together, frankly, is driving me crazy. Step one came in handy today when I was totally pooped from four hours of testing and just generally being exhausted.
If you aren’t familiar with twelve step programs, or haven’t read my post about working step 3, then I’ll fill you in: Step 1 is admitting that you are powerless over something in your life, whether that be drinking, drugging, your emotions, or (in my case) your thoughts. Step 2 is believing a power greater than yourself (Jesus, for me) can restore you to sanity. Finally, step 3 (the one I am currently working on; you can read all the twelve steps here) is surrendering your will and your life to this power greater than yourself (Jesus).
I knew my life had become a mess. It really had. It still (sort of) is. I was walking around like a drone, always in the future, never taking notice of the present moment. My mind was obsessed with work and ‘when this was due’s and ‘how would I do that’s. Today, I had my breaking point. I decided that summer is on the way, and that next year, I won’t let my mind or spirit or body get so cluttered to the point of breaking down.
So now I come to this great rebuilding. I realized that I’ve actually been broken down for a long time, and that my relationship with God has actually gotten to be less of a relationship and more of a list of to-dos and ‘I’ll get to you later’s. I haven’t really had a deep conversation with the Lord in a while, and to be honest, I sort of don’t want to. I think it is just the rebound effect. If I don’t have a conversation with God in a long time, then I feel guilty, and that guilt just builds and builds to the point where I feel like I can’t even approach Him. Honestly, it’s just the enemy, and though I shouldn’t listen to these feelings, I still give into them a lot.
But today, when I practiced the twelve steps (well, three of them), I remembered how close our relationship had been in those early days. It was because of a great sin I had that I couldn’t seem to get over, and I thought He hated me for it. As I began to explore God, I found that He didn’t actually hate me, though I still doubted that He loved me. Then, as I went deeper and deeper, I began to actually experience more of His love for me, and I heard His voice speak to me in ways that I’d never heard before. We were a team, of sorts, and I understood that He was on my side, that He remembered me and that we could get through the days together. He was my strength, and all I had to do was remember that He was on my side and abide in Him, trusting that He loved me in spite of my proneness to make mistakes.
I trusted that He would remain faithful, even when I was not. I opened my heart. I took off all of the masks. I began to experience a deep intimacy with the Lord, and the days were like bliss because I had Him at my side. I used to just lie on the floor and look up at the ceiling and talk to Him. Sometimes it was just because, just so that I could hear His voice. Sometimes He called me, and I answered quickly, because nothing was more important than He was (at least in most times that I can remember).
I realize that I’ve forgotten that. I’ve forgotten that we’re a team, and I’ve forgotten that we are together rather than separate. He is not sitting on a pedestal looking down at me, but He is right where I am, holding my hand through it all. I’ve forgotten about His endless mercy and His unfailing love. I’ve forgotten about who He is, and instead traded Him in for this man-made god that is full of biblical rules and silent time requirements. I’ve forgotten who He is, and instead replaced Him with a god who is totally opposite.
And today, when I remembered the good old days, the good old times I’ve had with God, I heard Him whisper, “It can still be that way. I’ve never left you. I’ve never left your side all along. I am here, and we can be a team together again, we can do life together one day at a time.”
I’ll be honest, though that was enough to make me realize that it’s possible to revive that in my heart again, I am still doubting. I still don’t know if He’ll take me back. I still don’t know if my heart can ever be the same as it was then. I’m not sure about how the future will go. I’m not sure if I can do it, if He can do it.
I mean, I know He is the Lord of lords and the conqueror of the dead, but the real question is, “Will He do that for me? Am I insignificant? Should I just be given up on?”
I don’t know if I’ll be able to do it. But I know I can’t do it on my own. I remember recounting that I can’t do it by myself while reading about a concept of EA. The concept was talking about asking God for help, that we need to be dependant and recognize our dependence on God, and also believe that He is loving and wants to be on our side, that we can conquer the world if we just ask Him for help.
The truth is, as much as I’d like to pretend that I am self-sustaining and self-sufficient, I am not, nor will I ever be. Humans just weren’t made for it. That means me as well. I need God. I need Him just to get through my days, let alone survive in this hectic world.
All I know is: we need to be a team again, because I can’t do this on my own.
What about you? Are you in a rut like me? Or are you just getting out of one? Do you need to be a team again with God, or are you already?